Watch your back—because these mafia jokes are coming in hot and armed with punchlines!
Whether you’re a wiseguy, a godfather of dad jokes, or just someone who loves a little organized laughter, this collection is strictly funny business. Fr
om mobster one-liners to underworld puns, these jokes are so good, they should be illegal.
😎 Ready to laugh like you’re in witness protection? Let’s whack your funny bone—capiche?
🎤 Mafia Joke Richard Pryor
- 😎 My cousin joined the mafia. Now he gets paid to do what he used to get arrested for.
- 😅 I asked the mafia to fix my credit. They “eliminated” my debt collector.
- 🤫 The mafia offered me protection. Now I can’t even open my own front door.
- 😂 Richard Pryor said he met a mafia guy so smooth, he sold him his own wallet.
- 😳 The mafia doesn’t do refunds. They send regrets—with cement shoes.
- 🕶️ My uncle told me he was in the family business. Turns out he meant The Family.
- 🧥 I wore a wire to a mafia meeting once. Now I’m considered “invisible.”
- 💼 Richard Pryor joked: “You know it’s a mafia wedding when the priest is nervous.”
- 💣 The mafia doesn’t fire people—they explode expectations.
- 🍝 Asked for spaghetti at a mafia diner. Got silence, a stare, and… a contract.
- 🪦 “I’m in waste management,” he said. I didn’t realize he meant managing human waste.
- 🥶 Richard said, “You know you messed up when even the mafia tells you to take a vacation.”
- 🧊 The mafia gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse… mostly because I couldn’t understand the threat.
- 🥃 “Want some ice with that?” the mafia bartender asked, holding a crowbar.
- 🚬 When the mafia smokes, even the cigars are scared.
💪 The Machine Russian Mafia Joke
- 🐻 I drank vodka with the Russian mafia. Woke up fluent in threats.
- 🏋️♂️ Bert Kreischer’s “The Machine” didn’t join the mafia. The mafia joined him.
- 🚂 They call him “The Machine” because even the mafia couldn’t stop him once he started partying.
- 🛌 I blacked out and woke up in the Russian mafia’s group chat.
- 🪆 Bert taught Russian mobsters how to shotgun a beer. Now they run a brewery and a prison.
- 🥶 “The Machine” robbed a train with the mafia. His luggage still hasn’t arrived.
- 🎒 The only college student to major in Russian mafia studies—abroad and armed.
- 📖 The mafia gave Bert a nickname. Bert gave them hangovers and therapy bills.
- 🎯 He told the mafia “I am The Machine.” They believed him—and gave him a gun.
- 🎭 Bert’s entire Russian mafia story: a TED Talk for people who like chaos and crime.
- 🍻 Bert once drank vodka with the Russian mafia… and remembered nothing but gained 10,000 new brothers.
- 🛑 Even KGB agents called timeout when The Machine showed up.
- 🎟️ The Russian mafia story is why every comedy tour now includes a travel waiver.
- 📸 The mafia took a selfie with The Machine. Now it’s in a museum in Moscow.
- 🔒 Bert’s the only guy who could accidentally get into—and out of—the Russian mafia alive.
🪓 Russian Mafia Joke
- 🧊 The Russian mafia doesn’t freeze in winter. Winter freezes when they walk in.
- 🚗 You don’t honk at a Russian mafia car unless you want to meet your ancestors.
- 🍞 Russian mafia’s idea of breaking bread involves breaking knees.
- 🧱 Their idea of a block party is actual blocks… of concrete.
- 🪙 Pay the Russian mafia or pay the price. Spoiler: the price isn’t cheaper.
- 🛠️ “Fixing a problem” in Russia means burying it 10 feet deep.
- 🧬 Russian mafia initiation involves vodka, bear wrestling, and a casual shootout.
- 🏒 Their hockey team never loses—because nobody wants to win against them.
- 🧃 Even their juice boxes have warning labels.
- 🪵 In Russia, the mafia cuts down the forest—then bills the trees for standing wrong.
- 🥶 They once kidnapped the cold just to teach it a lesson.
- 📦 Russian mafia sends packages. You don’t open them—they open you.
- 🥩 They like their steaks rare and their enemies… rarer.
- 💣 Even the bombs ask permission before going off near them.
- 🦴 Russian mafia dog has more bodyguards than a celebrity.
🎙️ Richard Pryor Mafia Joke
- 😅 Pryor said, “I ain’t scared of the dark, just who hides in it—like the mafia with unpaid invoices.”
- 🎤 “I tried to reason with the mafia. They said they don’t do debates—just funerals.”
- 🕴️ “You know it’s the mafia when the waiter asks how you’d like your threats delivered.”
- 💀 Pryor joked, “My friend joined the mafia. Now he’s in real estate… six feet under.”
- 🕶️ “They don’t shake hands. They shake you down.”
- 🍸 “I asked the mafia boss for a drink. He gave me poison and a life lesson.”
- 🪦 “Mafia job interviews are quick. They either like you—or you disappear.”
- 📞 “I got a wrong number once. Next thing I know, I’m in witness protection.”
- 🧥 “They wear suits so good, they can bury you in style.”
- 🚪 “Knock knock. Who’s there? Mafia. Run.”
- 🐾 “Their dogs bark in code.”
- 👞 “They don’t wear loafers. They wear silencers… on their feet.”
- 🔧 “The mafia doesn’t fix cars. They fix drivers.”
- 🎩 “They said it was a ‘sit-down.’ I didn’t know it was permanent.”
- 🥂 “Their toasts are threats in disguise.”
🏈 Tom Brady Bills Mafia Joke
- 🏈 Tom Brady saw the Bills Mafia and asked if his insurance covered flying folding tables.
- 😱 Bills Mafia: the only fanbase that scares both the NFL and the FBI.
- 📉 Tom Brady’s stats drop only when the Bills Mafia is within table-throwing range.
- 💥 You haven’t lived until you’ve been tackled by a fan and a table at a tailgate.
- 🔥 Tom Brady’s kryptonite? Bills Mafia with two beers and a grudge.
- 🎯 The Bills Mafia doesn’t boo. They bombard—with table legs.
- 🪑 Tom Brady avoids Buffalo like it’s haunted—with tables.
- 📦 UPS won’t deliver to Bills Mafia addresses. Too many returns… of players.
- 🤕 “Get well soon” cards from Bills Mafia come with folding chairs.
- 🍺 Brady said, “Buffalo fans are passionate.” Translation: he ran.
- 🧊 They tailgate in snowstorms. Tom tailgates in Florida—coincidence?
- 🎽 The only fans who wear jerseys and body armor.
- 📺 Even TV networks warn viewers when Bills Mafia is on screen.
- 💡 Brady doesn’t throw shade at Buffalo—he throws compliments… for survival.
- 🏃 Tom Brady ran faster in Buffalo than at the NFL Combine.
🎭 Russian Mafia Joke Comedian
- 🎤 A Russian comedian once told a mafia joke—he now tours Siberia exclusively.
- 😬 You know it’s a Russian mafia show when the bouncers are the punchline.
- 🪙 “How much is the cover charge?” “Your dignity and one finger.”
- 🕴️ They don’t heckle. They hunt.
- 🧊 “I killed in that set!” “No… we killed because of that set.”
- 🐻 Their idea of slapstick involves real slapping.
- 🎭 One Russian comic told a mafia joke. Now he’s listed as “temporarily unavailable.”
- 🍸 “Two Russians walk into a bar… the bar leaves.”
- 🧱 Comedians warm up with vodka and fear.
- 📞 “Is this on speaker?” “No, it’s on surveillance.”
- 🚷 No open mic night. Just open graves.
- 💣 “Timing is everything—especially when defusing mafia jokes.”
- 🔍 If you don’t laugh, they make sure you never do again.
- 🎙️ Russian stand-up is just storytelling—if the story ends in a chase.
- 📦 The punchline arrives separately… in a sealed box.
🔚 Conclusion
From Richard Pryor’s sharp wit to Russian mafia madness, these jokes blend danger and humor in unforgettable ways. Just laugh carefully!
