Ready to sink your teeth into some comedy gold?
Whether you’re a night owl, a Halloween junkie, or just love a good pun with a bite, these vampire jokes are fang-tastically fresh for 2025.
From bloodsucking one-liners to coffin-worthy dad jokes, we’ve gathered a monstrous collection that even Dracula would LOL at. No garlic,
no wooden stakes—just pure undead humor that totally sucks… in the best way possible.
Let’s get batty with the laughs! 🦇
🩸 Tell me a vampire joke
- 🧛 Why did the vampire become an artist? He always wanted to draw blood
- 🩸 How does a vampire start a letter? “Tomb it may concern”
- 🦇 Why don’t vampires use the front door? Because they prefer to bat their way in
- 🕯️ What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite
- 🩺 Why did the vampire go to the doctor? He was coffin too much
- 🧛 What’s a vampire’s favorite type of ship? A blood vessel
- 🕸️ How do vampires like their steak? Rare… just like their victims
- 🎃 What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday? Fangsgiving
- 💉 Why did the vampire flunk art class? He couldn’t draw anyone alive
- 🧛 What do vampires do at midnight? Netflix and kill
- 🛏️ What’s a vampire’s least favorite room? The living room
- 🎵 What kind of music do vampires listen to? Soul music
- 🪞 Why don’t vampires have mirrors? They can’t handle the reflection
- 🧄 What’s a vampire’s favorite spice? Garlic—just kidding, it’s their worst nightmare
- 🩸 What’s a vampire’s job interview like? A real pain in the neck
🌊 What do you call the land that meets the sea vampire joke
- 🌅 Where do vampires vacation? The Bitemouth coast
- 🏖️ What’s a vampire’s favorite beach activity? Blood surfing
- 🌊 What do you call a vampire who loves the sea? Count Tide-ula
- 🧛 Why did the vampire live near the sea? He loved the current
- 🐚 What do you call a salty vampire? Sea-sucker
- 🦈 Why don’t vampires swim in the ocean? They’re afraid of the holy water
- 🏝️ Where does Dracula go to relax? Transylwave-ania
- 💀 What do sea vampires eat? Clam-pires
- 🌊 What’s a vampire’s favorite part of the ocean? The blood reef
- 🧛 How do vampires navigate the coast? With a fang chart
- 🚤 Why did the vampire buy a yacht? To find new bloodlines
- 🐬 What do vampires say at sea? “Bite me, I’m nautical”
- 🌊 What’s Dracula’s favorite tide? High-blood tide
- 🧛 What’s scarier than a vampire on land? A vampire with sea legs
- 🩸 Why do vampires love tide pools? There’s always a little blood in them
🥪 Croque monsieur vampire joke
- 🧛 Why did Dracula love French sandwiches? He thought “croque monsieur” meant crunchy blood
- 🥖 What’s a vampire’s favorite deli order? A croque blood-sieur
- 🩸 Why do vampires never eat toasties? They prefer their victims raw
- 🧄 What ingredient ruins a vampire croque monsieur? Garlic spread
- 🧛 What’s the undead version of a croque monsieur? Croque monster
- 🧀 What’s a vampire’s favorite cheese? Bloodam
- 🥪 Why did the vampire become a chef? To serve rare bites
- 🍽️ What’s a Dracula sandwich called? Croque Count
- 🩸 What do you call a vampire’s brunch? Croak monsieur
- 🧛 Why don’t vampires eat paninis? They’re afraid of being grilled
- 🍞 What sandwich do vampires hate? One with garlic aioli
- 🍽️ What does Dracula serve his guests? Croque victims
- 🧛 What do vampires say before a meal? “Bone appétit!”
- 🧄 Why did the vampire send back his sandwich? It had garlic butter
- 🍷 What’s a vampire’s drink of choice with lunch? A nice glass of Type O
⛄ Snowman vampire joke
- ⛄ What happens when a vampire bites a snowman? Frostbite
- ❄️ Why don’t vampires like snowmen? Too cold-blooded
- 🧛 What do you get when Dracula meets Frosty? A snow-bite
- 🌨️ Why do vampires avoid winter? It freezes their blood
- ⛄ What do vampires wear in snow? Blood-red scarves
- 🩸 How do you scare a snowman vampire? Sunlight and a heater
- ❄️ Why can’t vampires build snowmen? They melt when they try
- 🧛 What’s Dracula’s winter hobby? Ice biting
- ⛄ What did the snowman vampire say? “I vant to chill your blood”
- 🧛 How does a snow vampire hunt? Slowly… because snow boots
- 🩸 What’s a snowman vampire’s favorite drink? Frozen plasma
- 🧛 What happens to vampires in snowstorms? They turn to slush
- 🌨️ Why did the snowman avoid the vampire? He didn’t want to be drained and frosted
- ⛄ How do you stop a snow vampire? Turn up the heat
- ❄️ What do you call a vampire snowman musical? Fangs on Ice
🏳️🌈 Gay vampire joke
- 🌈 What’s a gay vampire’s favorite movie? Interview with a Glam-pire
- 💋 Why did the vampire go to Pride? To slay and slay
- 🧛 Who’s the most stylish vampire? The one who bites in heels
- 👠 What do you call a fabulous vampire? Countess Drag-ula
- 🏳️🌈 How does a gay vampire flirt? “You have a neck I could die for”
- 💄 What’s a vampire’s beauty secret? Blood contouring
- 🎤 Why did the gay vampire become a pop star? Because he had killer vocals
- 👑 What’s a gay vampire’s favorite accessory? A choker
- 🌈 What’s the vampire’s dating profile like? “Sucker for love, into necking”
- 🧛 Why do gay vampires love glitter? Because sparkle never dies
- 🏳️🌈 What does a gay vampire do on weekends? Goes clubbing… literally
- 💋 How does a vampire compliment you? “You make my heart stop”
- 💅 What’s a vampire’s favorite salon? Fang & Fabulous
- 🧛 What’s Dracula’s favorite musical? Rent (because no day but today… or tonight!)
- 🩸 What do you call a vampire who loves fashion? A bite-size icon
🤝 What is it like being friends with a vampire joke
- 🧛 He really sucks at texting back
- 🩸 Always wants to “hang out” after midnight
- 🕯️ He never brings snacks, just drinks—your blood
- 🧛 Mood swings? Try undead swings
- 💉 Always asking awkwardly for a “little donation”
- 🛏️ Can’t do sleepovers, unless it’s in a coffin
- 🧄 You can’t ever go to Olive Garden
- 🕶️ He always wears sunglasses—indoors
- 🧛 He cancels every beach trip
- 📸 Never shows up in group selfies
- 🧛 So dramatic—everything is “eternal suffering”
- 💔 Gets offended if you wear silver jewelry
- 🩸 Keeps calling you his “emergency snack”
- ⛓️ Only hangs out in basements
- 🕸️ Says he’s “allergic to daylight,” but really just lazy
🍍 Spongebob vampire joke
- 🧛 Who lives in a coffin under the sea? Countpants Dracula!
- 🧽 Why did SpongeBob become a vampire? He already lived in a dark cave—his closet
- 🍍 What’s SpongeBob’s vampire form called? FangBob BloodPants
- 🧛 What does SpongeBob say when he bites? “I’m ready… to feed!”
- 🧄 Why doesn’t Squidward like vampire SpongeBob? He sucks… more than usual
- 🌊 What’s Patrick’s vampire power? Super-slow brain draining
- 🧽 What does Sandy say to vampire SpongeBob? “Back off, I’m armed with garlic!”
- 🧛 How does SpongeBob hunt? With jellyfish nets… and fangs
- 🩸 Who’s the vampire in the Krusty Krab? Count Krabby
- 🍔 What’s a vampire’s favorite Krabby Patty topping? Plasma sauce
- 🧛 Who turned SpongeBob into a vampire? The Flying Bloodman
- 🎃 Why did Mr. Krabs love vampire SpongeBob? He saved on employee meals
- 🧽 What’s SpongeBob’s vampire hobby? Bubble-biting
- 🍍 Where does SpongeBob sleep? A vampire pineapple
- 🧛 What’s SpongeBob’s vampire motto? “Absorb the blood!”
😂 Funny vampire joke
- 🧛 Why did the vampire get a job at the blood bank? Employee of the month every month
- 🩸 What’s a vampire’s favorite type of tea? Hemogoblin Grey
- 🧛 Why do vampires never get old? Because they’re already expired
- 💔 Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? Too much emotional draining
- 🧄 What’s a vampire’s safe word? Garlic
- 🛍️ Why don’t vampires use Amazon? They hate stakes
- 📖 Why do vampires love libraries? So many necks to turn
- 🎓 What did the vampire major in? Neck-romance
- 🧛 What’s a vampire’s favorite game? Hide and shriek
- 🛌 Why do vampires nap in coffins? They’re dead tired
- 🧄 Why did the vampire hate Italian food? Too much garlic
- 🧛 Why did Dracula fail art class? He couldn’t draw breath
- 🩸 What’s a vampire’s idea of a balanced diet? A neck on each shoulder
- 🧛 Why did the vampire go to therapy? He had bite issues
- 🕷️ What’s a vampire’s favorite pet? A bloodhound
🕎 Yiddish vampire joke
- 🧛 What does a Yiddish vampire say? “Oy vey, this blood is too salty”
- 🕎 Why don’t Yiddish vampires bite during Passover? No bread, no bites
- 🧛 Why did the vampire visit his bubbe? She makes the best chicken plasma soup
- 🩸 What do you call a Jewish vampire deli? Bagels & Blood
- 🕍 Why do Yiddish vampires avoid shul? Too many silver menorahs
- 🧄 What’s a Yiddish vampire’s nightmare? Garlic kugel
- 🧛 What do Jewish vampires complain about? “This blood isn’t kosher”
- 🕯️ Why don’t they bite after sunset? They’re waiting for Havdalah
- 🧛 What’s a Yiddish vampire’s favorite word? “Nu… bite already!”
- 🍷 Why do Yiddish vampires drink wine? It reminds them of Friday night dinners
- 🧛 Why don’t Yiddish vampires sparkle? They schvitz instead
- 🕎 What does a vampire say during Hanukkah? “I vant to light your menorah… with blood!”
- 🩸 Why do Jewish vampires never run out of blood? They’re good at saving
- 🧛 What’s a Yiddish vampire’s complaint about youth? “These kids today, no respect for tradition or biting!”
- 🕍 How do Yiddish vampires fast? Only one neck a day
🧛♀️ Conclusion
Whether you’re in the mood for spooky laughs or clever undead wordplay, these vampire jokes bring a bite-sized dose of humor for every fan of the fanged. From food to friendship, sea to Spongebob, there’s something for every ghoul and giggle-seeker.
Silva is a humor enthusiast and pun aficionado who loves turning everyday situations into laugh-out-loud moments. With a keen eye for witty wordplay and a knack for relatable jokes, Silva brings a unique, playful perspective to every article. When not crafting clever puns, Silva enjoys exploring pop culture trends and sharing funny anecdotes that brighten readers’ days. Follow Silva’s hilarious adventures and discover endless chuckles at jokesplanets.com.
