Ready to sink your teeth into some comedy gold?
Whether you’re a night owl, a Halloween junkie, or just love a good pun with a bite, these vampire jokes are fang-tastically fresh for 2025.
From bloodsucking one-liners to coffin-worthy dad jokes, we’ve gathered a monstrous collection that even Dracula would LOL at. No garlic,
no wooden stakes—just pure undead humor that totally sucks… in the best way possible.
Let’s get batty with the laughs! 🦇
🩸 Tell me a vampire joke
- 🧛 Why did the vampire become an artist? He always wanted to draw blood
- 🩸 How does a vampire start a letter? “Tomb it may concern”
- 🦇 Why don’t vampires use the front door? Because they prefer to bat their way in
- 🕯️ What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite
- 🩺 Why did the vampire go to the doctor? He was coffin too much
- 🧛 What’s a vampire’s favorite type of ship? A blood vessel
- 🕸️ How do vampires like their steak? Rare… just like their victims
- 🎃 What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday? Fangsgiving
- 💉 Why did the vampire flunk art class? He couldn’t draw anyone alive
- 🧛 What do vampires do at midnight? Netflix and kill
- 🛏️ What’s a vampire’s least favorite room? The living room
- 🎵 What kind of music do vampires listen to? Soul music
- 🪞 Why don’t vampires have mirrors? They can’t handle the reflection
- 🧄 What’s a vampire’s favorite spice? Garlic—just kidding, it’s their worst nightmare
- 🩸 What’s a vampire’s job interview like? A real pain in the neck
🌊 What do you call the land that meets the sea vampire joke
- 🌅 Where do vampires vacation? The Bitemouth coast
- 🏖️ What’s a vampire’s favorite beach activity? Blood surfing
- 🌊 What do you call a vampire who loves the sea? Count Tide-ula
- 🧛 Why did the vampire live near the sea? He loved the current
- 🐚 What do you call a salty vampire? Sea-sucker
- 🦈 Why don’t vampires swim in the ocean? They’re afraid of the holy water
- 🏝️ Where does Dracula go to relax? Transylwave-ania
- 💀 What do sea vampires eat? Clam-pires
- 🌊 What’s a vampire’s favorite part of the ocean? The blood reef
- 🧛 How do vampires navigate the coast? With a fang chart
- 🚤 Why did the vampire buy a yacht? To find new bloodlines
- 🐬 What do vampires say at sea? “Bite me, I’m nautical”
- 🌊 What’s Dracula’s favorite tide? High-blood tide
- 🧛 What’s scarier than a vampire on land? A vampire with sea legs
- 🩸 Why do vampires love tide pools? There’s always a little blood in them
🥪 Croque monsieur vampire joke
- 🧛 Why did Dracula love French sandwiches? He thought “croque monsieur” meant crunchy blood
- 🥖 What’s a vampire’s favorite deli order? A croque blood-sieur
- 🩸 Why do vampires never eat toasties? They prefer their victims raw
- 🧄 What ingredient ruins a vampire croque monsieur? Garlic spread
- 🧛 What’s the undead version of a croque monsieur? Croque monster
- 🧀 What’s a vampire’s favorite cheese? Bloodam
- 🥪 Why did the vampire become a chef? To serve rare bites
- 🍽️ What’s a Dracula sandwich called? Croque Count
- 🩸 What do you call a vampire’s brunch? Croak monsieur
- 🧛 Why don’t vampires eat paninis? They’re afraid of being grilled
- 🍞 What sandwich do vampires hate? One with garlic aioli
- 🍽️ What does Dracula serve his guests? Croque victims
- 🧛 What do vampires say before a meal? “Bone appétit!”
- 🧄 Why did the vampire send back his sandwich? It had garlic butter
- 🍷 What’s a vampire’s drink of choice with lunch? A nice glass of Type O
⛄ Snowman vampire joke
- ⛄ What happens when a vampire bites a snowman? Frostbite
- ❄️ Why don’t vampires like snowmen? Too cold-blooded
- 🧛 What do you get when Dracula meets Frosty? A snow-bite
- 🌨️ Why do vampires avoid winter? It freezes their blood
- ⛄ What do vampires wear in snow? Blood-red scarves
- 🩸 How do you scare a snowman vampire? Sunlight and a heater
- ❄️ Why can’t vampires build snowmen? They melt when they try
- 🧛 What’s Dracula’s winter hobby? Ice biting
- ⛄ What did the snowman vampire say? “I vant to chill your blood”
- 🧛 How does a snow vampire hunt? Slowly… because snow boots
- 🩸 What’s a snowman vampire’s favorite drink? Frozen plasma
- 🧛 What happens to vampires in snowstorms? They turn to slush
- 🌨️ Why did the snowman avoid the vampire? He didn’t want to be drained and frosted
- ⛄ How do you stop a snow vampire? Turn up the heat
- ❄️ What do you call a vampire snowman musical? Fangs on Ice
🏳️🌈 Gay vampire joke
- 🌈 What’s a gay vampire’s favorite movie? Interview with a Glam-pire
- 💋 Why did the vampire go to Pride? To slay and slay
- 🧛 Who’s the most stylish vampire? The one who bites in heels
- 👠 What do you call a fabulous vampire? Countess Drag-ula
- 🏳️🌈 How does a gay vampire flirt? “You have a neck I could die for”
- 💄 What’s a vampire’s beauty secret? Blood contouring
- 🎤 Why did the gay vampire become a pop star? Because he had killer vocals
- 👑 What’s a gay vampire’s favorite accessory? A choker
- 🌈 What’s the vampire’s dating profile like? “Sucker for love, into necking”
- 🧛 Why do gay vampires love glitter? Because sparkle never dies
- 🏳️🌈 What does a gay vampire do on weekends? Goes clubbing… literally
- 💋 How does a vampire compliment you? “You make my heart stop”
- 💅 What’s a vampire’s favorite salon? Fang & Fabulous
- 🧛 What’s Dracula’s favorite musical? Rent (because no day but today… or tonight!)
- 🩸 What do you call a vampire who loves fashion? A bite-size icon
🤝 What is it like being friends with a vampire joke
- 🧛 He really sucks at texting back
- 🩸 Always wants to “hang out” after midnight
- 🕯️ He never brings snacks, just drinks—your blood
- 🧛 Mood swings? Try undead swings
- 💉 Always asking awkwardly for a “little donation”
- 🛏️ Can’t do sleepovers, unless it’s in a coffin
- 🧄 You can’t ever go to Olive Garden
- 🕶️ He always wears sunglasses—indoors
- 🧛 He cancels every beach trip
- 📸 Never shows up in group selfies
- 🧛 So dramatic—everything is “eternal suffering”
- 💔 Gets offended if you wear silver jewelry
- 🩸 Keeps calling you his “emergency snack”
- ⛓️ Only hangs out in basements
- 🕸️ Says he’s “allergic to daylight,” but really just lazy
🍍 Spongebob vampire joke
- 🧛 Who lives in a coffin under the sea? Countpants Dracula!
- 🧽 Why did SpongeBob become a vampire? He already lived in a dark cave—his closet
- 🍍 What’s SpongeBob’s vampire form called? FangBob BloodPants
- 🧛 What does SpongeBob say when he bites? “I’m ready… to feed!”
- 🧄 Why doesn’t Squidward like vampire SpongeBob? He sucks… more than usual
- 🌊 What’s Patrick’s vampire power? Super-slow brain draining
- 🧽 What does Sandy say to vampire SpongeBob? “Back off, I’m armed with garlic!”
- 🧛 How does SpongeBob hunt? With jellyfish nets… and fangs
- 🩸 Who’s the vampire in the Krusty Krab? Count Krabby
- 🍔 What’s a vampire’s favorite Krabby Patty topping? Plasma sauce
- 🧛 Who turned SpongeBob into a vampire? The Flying Bloodman
- 🎃 Why did Mr. Krabs love vampire SpongeBob? He saved on employee meals
- 🧽 What’s SpongeBob’s vampire hobby? Bubble-biting
- 🍍 Where does SpongeBob sleep? A vampire pineapple
- 🧛 What’s SpongeBob’s vampire motto? “Absorb the blood!”
😂 Funny vampire joke
- 🧛 Why did the vampire get a job at the blood bank? Employee of the month every month
- 🩸 What’s a vampire’s favorite type of tea? Hemogoblin Grey
- 🧛 Why do vampires never get old? Because they’re already expired
- 💔 Why did the vampire break up with his girlfriend? Too much emotional draining
- 🧄 What’s a vampire’s safe word? Garlic
- 🛍️ Why don’t vampires use Amazon? They hate stakes
- 📖 Why do vampires love libraries? So many necks to turn
- 🎓 What did the vampire major in? Neck-romance
- 🧛 What’s a vampire’s favorite game? Hide and shriek
- 🛌 Why do vampires nap in coffins? They’re dead tired
- 🧄 Why did the vampire hate Italian food? Too much garlic
- 🧛 Why did Dracula fail art class? He couldn’t draw breath
- 🩸 What’s a vampire’s idea of a balanced diet? A neck on each shoulder
- 🧛 Why did the vampire go to therapy? He had bite issues
- 🕷️ What’s a vampire’s favorite pet? A bloodhound
🕎 Yiddish vampire joke
- 🧛 What does a Yiddish vampire say? “Oy vey, this blood is too salty”
- 🕎 Why don’t Yiddish vampires bite during Passover? No bread, no bites
- 🧛 Why did the vampire visit his bubbe? She makes the best chicken plasma soup
- 🩸 What do you call a Jewish vampire deli? Bagels & Blood
- 🕍 Why do Yiddish vampires avoid shul? Too many silver menorahs
- 🧄 What’s a Yiddish vampire’s nightmare? Garlic kugel
- 🧛 What do Jewish vampires complain about? “This blood isn’t kosher”
- 🕯️ Why don’t they bite after sunset? They’re waiting for Havdalah
- 🧛 What’s a Yiddish vampire’s favorite word? “Nu… bite already!”
- 🍷 Why do Yiddish vampires drink wine? It reminds them of Friday night dinners
- 🧛 Why don’t Yiddish vampires sparkle? They schvitz instead
- 🕎 What does a vampire say during Hanukkah? “I vant to light your menorah… with blood!”
- 🩸 Why do Jewish vampires never run out of blood? They’re good at saving
- 🧛 What’s a Yiddish vampire’s complaint about youth? “These kids today, no respect for tradition or biting!”
- 🕍 How do Yiddish vampires fast? Only one neck a day
🧛♀️ Conclusion
Whether you’re in the mood for spooky laughs or clever undead wordplay, these vampire jokes bring a bite-sized dose of humor for every fan of the fanged. From food to friendship, sea to Spongebob, there’s something for every ghoul and giggle-seeker.
